I am so sorry that you’re in so much pain :[ I can’t even begin to fathom how hard it must be to live in a body that feels wrong, and to not feel comfortable expressing yourself in the ways that feels right for you.
First of all, there is also absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as androgynous. You are not a freak and you are not disgusting. You’re human and beautiful and inherently valid and deserving of love and acceptance.
Most of society fails to grasp that gender is not binary, and that gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, and sexual orientation are independent of one another. Just because most of the world has a misguided perception of gender and sexuality doesn’t mean you have to conform or compromise yourself.
You shouldn’t ever have to change who you are for the sake of pleasing someone else. You don’t owe comfort or conformity or masculinity or being attractive to anyone. If someone has an issue with you wearing a dress or embracing your femininity in any way, that’s a reflection on them, not you. You don’t have to internalize other people’s judgement and ignorance. It isn’t easy. In fact, it’s probably one of the most difficult things any of us will try to do. But it’s so important. You don’t live your life for other people. You need to do what feels right to you, and you need to make your happiness a priority.
You may not have control over how other people treat you, what they say, or what they believe in, but you always have control over how you treat yourself. No matter what anyone else does or says to you, you can choose to embrace your authentic self. You can choose to express yourself in whatever way feels right. You can choose to let go of toxic people and surround yourself with people who accept you as you are and don’t put conditions on their love for you. Regardless of how people treat you, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion and kindness.
I know that it’s scary. I know that being authentic puts you at risk of being bullied and judged and ostracized, but I also know that forcing yourself to live as someone you aren’t is too painful. Living in a way that isn’t conducive to your growth and happiness is no life at all. Youdeserve the freedom to be exactly who you are, put on on dress and embrace your femininity when you want to feel pretty, express yourself in whatever way feels right, and love whoever you fall in love with, without any outside judgement. You deserve these things because you exist and therefore you matter. You matter, and so do your needs and happiness.
If you wear a dress or put on makeup or embrace your femininity in anyway and someone calls you a freak, that’s on them. You don’t have to allow their ignorance and insecurities to become your truth. You get to decide who you are and be whoever that is. The right people aren’t going to judge you for not fitting in the gender binary. They will understand that the gender binary doesn’t exist and they will understand that identifying as androgynous is just as normal and inherently right as identifying as a male or female. The right people are going to celebrate and accept exactly who you are, without conditions. These are the people to hold onto. Let go of the rest.
In regards to the guy you’re seeing, I think that as long as he makes you happy, embraces and accepts who you are without trying to change your identity or gender to fit his own needs, and makes you feel comfortable and safe and beautiful and cared for, then he’s someone worth keeping around. Whatever happens, know that the relationships isn’t set in stone. If there ever comes a point where you don’t feel safe or comfortable or feel like you can’t be your authentic self with him because he is pressuring you to be someone you aren’t, then he needs to go. You have the power and if at any time you want to end it, you can. Your needs and happiness are a priority.
I hope that this was able to help and answer your question.
If I said anything that didn’t feel right or invalidated your experience and feelings in any way, please, please let me know.
I have nothing but good intentions, but because I’m not very educated about transgender experiences, I want to make sure I didn’t say the wrong thing. So if I did, please call me out so I can learn.
Thinking of you and sending so much love,